باز هم همه چیز نصفه نیمه

,چقدر حرفهای نگفته, ادم های ندیده, محله های راه نرفته, غذاهای نخورده

منظره های عکس نگرفته ,بازارهای نرفته , خریدهای نکرده

گذاشتم تو ایران

............ و اومدم

تنهایی

تنهایی, تنهایی, تنهایی... قصه تكراری لحظه های زندگی من

TA

I’m good, I’m fine and life is going ... .Here I learn when some body ask me about my feeling ,I say: I’m fine, I’m good, because no word I can find for explain more about my real feeling that I have. And prefer just finish sentence with good and fine .But actually some times I’m not good and fine .just show off. Yesterday I received an email from the graduate office of our department and ask me attending in meeting with dean of graduate students .After that email I have been very nervous, so nervous, because I can not tolerate more problem and headache here. I afraid and don’t have self confidence to explain whatever I like .I can guess what is the reason for this meeting .maybe about the TA for this spring semester that I had. Actually this semester I was a TA for one undergrad course. My duty was Lab supervising and mark the assignments .Me and other 3 TA‘s should attend to computer lab for roaming and check students software programs and answer the questions .we should attended to lab three days a week. But I don’t know maybe some students came between the semester and nobody there and maybe they complained, but I’m not sure, we should wait until Tuesday and see what happen. I’m sure about my self because I have done all my duties and more .but Im nervous and stressful. In first of semester we received a letter that clarified number of hours we should spend for this TA duty .They wrote 56 hours, we should spend for this TA course. Although I spent more than 110 hours for this TA and they paid just for 56 hours because we signed those letters in first of semester .I don’t have complaint about this. I’m not familiar with official rules here and I think it is unfair, if some body complain about my works. I can not explain more here in this blog about this matter, because Im impatient , but just I hope God help me and support me .Please

Big potato

Today I’m so impatient! No energy, no reason for continue! .I don’t know why? And worst thing is when I’m dejected, just eat and eat and drink that’s it. Just seat on the coach such as potato, and eat as much as I can , after that I become angry of my own self because of gaining weight and eating junk food, so again get more depressed and eat more! This miserable psychic cycle continue until my mood change and get better! What a ludicrous condition that I have.

Two new experiences

Last weekend I attended to standard first aid courses .It took two whole days. After passing the courses we took exam and I got 100%.

Now, I got First Aid /CPR certificate. And I’m a first aid trained.

Congratulation Marjan!

Yesterday I went to a cozy and natural park, Marine Park, actually it was very special for me .Because for the first time in my life I experienced paddling and I was as an oarsman maybe oarswoman! We were three persons, rent a canoe and started to paddling. It was amazing, very wonderful .and I understood what a special feeling you have, when you paddle very smooth on a calm pond with very nice breeze .wow believe me it was a very special experience.

Hiking

Today is a sunny day. After more than 15 foggy and rainy days, I see bright sun in the blue sky. I decided go for walking .First of all I was wondering I walk in street pedestrian line, also there is a beautiful trial around us, but I m afraid go alone in trail! By the way first I decided go for walk in the street . After a short hiking I change my mind and say ok, I go from trail. And try fight with fear!. I wanted to share something here ,I went for hiking and all thing was perfect , weather ,sunshine ,very cool breeze ,natural view was very amazing but ,I had some stress and worriment . Why? Because I afraid go alone in not crowded place, I know the reason of this problem. Because from the childhood until now every single moments there are many awareness from my parents about don’t going alone in solitude place because it is dangerous ,because you are a woman and you face many dangerous accident such as many kind of abuses .and they worried about me and I understood what they said .at nights and ,in retired place there were many caution from the parents to all daughters not going alone .so I m here and after these years, this kind of frightening breach to me ,and when I’m alone in the empty place every second just I focus about my around area and just check that no body follow me or do not look at around of my self just to the ground and go fast it is funny ,but it is real .Today I decided go through trail because I wanted try to give up this cautions but I loosed and I admitting defeat…. Maybe later I find new ways …

Happiness

Next two day is my cousin wedding party .unfortunately we can not attend there but I’m happy, because my families gather again together and have very happy hours. I’m happy because I feel after some painful days when my mother was in hospital two times in two months continuously and some shocked accidents or some sad news, participating in a good and happy ceremony maybe is a good change of mood for all family.

Here in this around one year that I have lived here ,I notice these people try to be happy with very simple reasons and have fun and celebration .and I’m wondering why in Iran there should be a very good poof to have celebration or be happy and have fun gathering. I mean for example here in St.john’s once there are some events about the strawberry picking or other fruit picking. Many people going to farm once and pick some fruits as much as they need and have some fun and finish. Or going to garden where there are some rose bushes and looking to this flowers and the name of this event is “Rose show”. Or in big events same as Canada day, actually they don’t have very good performance, They don’t bother them selves for preparation of this ceremony, just try to be happy that day and have fun with their children and watch some simple and amateur performance and actually accompany in the performance spontaneously . As my opinion the main point is not about those ceremony or events, is about their feeling and happiness. But when I back to my country I found we have many tradition and cultural events and have very deep and good reason to have fun and ceremony and celebrate many events, these days I feel my people are not happy. They just try to finish days after days with hope for future to find better day’s .I know they face lots of pressure but some body should inject happiness to them. I think all of us need happiness. We can celebrate either many events, many especial days or even it is not necessary to find events, we can have fun and be happy for simple proofs. And we should not expect to have best preparation and perfect initial thing just for celebration. I think maybe all difficulty fills all hearts of people and maybe there is no space to be happy in their hearts. I remember when I was child most of the governmental ceremony were about the religious ceremony, But it could be good if there was a little fun there! , but main point is, in those religious ceremony government learn people or try to push them that no joyance, just show serious ceremony with a little crying about some other bad events!!.

Maybe we have not learn to be happy ,because some times I wondering maybe be happy and enjoying of life is not a inherent or natural is acquired ,and all persons should learn to be happy and enjoy every single moments of their life’s. Teachers besides of the academic books should teach student to adjust their own selves with society and use of all happiness capacities and gladness of the life. unfortunately up to now I have not learn how to be satisfy and pleasure of my life .but good news is ,I’m here and notice there are some differences I wanted try to learn be happy and enjoy my life.