TA

I’m good, I’m fine and life is going ... .Here I learn when some body ask me about my feeling ,I say: I’m fine, I’m good, because no word I can find for explain more about my real feeling that I have. And prefer just finish sentence with good and fine .But actually some times I’m not good and fine .just show off. Yesterday I received an email from the graduate office of our department and ask me attending in meeting with dean of graduate students .After that email I have been very nervous, so nervous, because I can not tolerate more problem and headache here. I afraid and don’t have self confidence to explain whatever I like .I can guess what is the reason for this meeting .maybe about the TA for this spring semester that I had. Actually this semester I was a TA for one undergrad course. My duty was Lab supervising and mark the assignments .Me and other 3 TA‘s should attend to computer lab for roaming and check students software programs and answer the questions .we should attended to lab three days a week. But I don’t know maybe some students came between the semester and nobody there and maybe they complained, but I’m not sure, we should wait until Tuesday and see what happen. I’m sure about my self because I have done all my duties and more .but Im nervous and stressful. In first of semester we received a letter that clarified number of hours we should spend for this TA duty .They wrote 56 hours, we should spend for this TA course. Although I spent more than 110 hours for this TA and they paid just for 56 hours because we signed those letters in first of semester .I don’t have complaint about this. I’m not familiar with official rules here and I think it is unfair, if some body complain about my works. I can not explain more here in this blog about this matter, because Im impatient , but just I hope God help me and support me .Please

Big potato

Today I’m so impatient! No energy, no reason for continue! .I don’t know why? And worst thing is when I’m dejected, just eat and eat and drink that’s it. Just seat on the coach such as potato, and eat as much as I can , after that I become angry of my own self because of gaining weight and eating junk food, so again get more depressed and eat more! This miserable psychic cycle continue until my mood change and get better! What a ludicrous condition that I have.

Two new experiences

Last weekend I attended to standard first aid courses .It took two whole days. After passing the courses we took exam and I got 100%.

Now, I got First Aid /CPR certificate. And I’m a first aid trained.

Congratulation Marjan!

Yesterday I went to a cozy and natural park, Marine Park, actually it was very special for me .Because for the first time in my life I experienced paddling and I was as an oarsman maybe oarswoman! We were three persons, rent a canoe and started to paddling. It was amazing, very wonderful .and I understood what a special feeling you have, when you paddle very smooth on a calm pond with very nice breeze .wow believe me it was a very special experience.

Hiking

Today is a sunny day. After more than 15 foggy and rainy days, I see bright sun in the blue sky. I decided go for walking .First of all I was wondering I walk in street pedestrian line, also there is a beautiful trial around us, but I m afraid go alone in trail! By the way first I decided go for walk in the street . After a short hiking I change my mind and say ok, I go from trail. And try fight with fear!. I wanted to share something here ,I went for hiking and all thing was perfect , weather ,sunshine ,very cool breeze ,natural view was very amazing but ,I had some stress and worriment . Why? Because I afraid go alone in not crowded place, I know the reason of this problem. Because from the childhood until now every single moments there are many awareness from my parents about don’t going alone in solitude place because it is dangerous ,because you are a woman and you face many dangerous accident such as many kind of abuses .and they worried about me and I understood what they said .at nights and ,in retired place there were many caution from the parents to all daughters not going alone .so I m here and after these years, this kind of frightening breach to me ,and when I’m alone in the empty place every second just I focus about my around area and just check that no body follow me or do not look at around of my self just to the ground and go fast it is funny ,but it is real .Today I decided go through trail because I wanted try to give up this cautions but I loosed and I admitting defeat…. Maybe later I find new ways …

Happiness

Next two day is my cousin wedding party .unfortunately we can not attend there but I’m happy, because my families gather again together and have very happy hours. I’m happy because I feel after some painful days when my mother was in hospital two times in two months continuously and some shocked accidents or some sad news, participating in a good and happy ceremony maybe is a good change of mood for all family.

Here in this around one year that I have lived here ,I notice these people try to be happy with very simple reasons and have fun and celebration .and I’m wondering why in Iran there should be a very good poof to have celebration or be happy and have fun gathering. I mean for example here in St.john’s once there are some events about the strawberry picking or other fruit picking. Many people going to farm once and pick some fruits as much as they need and have some fun and finish. Or going to garden where there are some rose bushes and looking to this flowers and the name of this event is “Rose show”. Or in big events same as Canada day, actually they don’t have very good performance, They don’t bother them selves for preparation of this ceremony, just try to be happy that day and have fun with their children and watch some simple and amateur performance and actually accompany in the performance spontaneously . As my opinion the main point is not about those ceremony or events, is about their feeling and happiness. But when I back to my country I found we have many tradition and cultural events and have very deep and good reason to have fun and ceremony and celebrate many events, these days I feel my people are not happy. They just try to finish days after days with hope for future to find better day’s .I know they face lots of pressure but some body should inject happiness to them. I think all of us need happiness. We can celebrate either many events, many especial days or even it is not necessary to find events, we can have fun and be happy for simple proofs. And we should not expect to have best preparation and perfect initial thing just for celebration. I think maybe all difficulty fills all hearts of people and maybe there is no space to be happy in their hearts. I remember when I was child most of the governmental ceremony were about the religious ceremony, But it could be good if there was a little fun there! , but main point is, in those religious ceremony government learn people or try to push them that no joyance, just show serious ceremony with a little crying about some other bad events!!.

Maybe we have not learn to be happy ,because some times I wondering maybe be happy and enjoying of life is not a inherent or natural is acquired ,and all persons should learn to be happy and enjoy every single moments of their life’s. Teachers besides of the academic books should teach student to adjust their own selves with society and use of all happiness capacities and gladness of the life. unfortunately up to now I have not learn how to be satisfy and pleasure of my life .but good news is ,I’m here and notice there are some differences I wanted try to learn be happy and enjoy my life.

Whispering

I don’t know why these days I m very sensitive and peevish .for any stupid topics I will anxious and confused. Just think and analysis all cheap and stupid stories and get angry and nervous. I don’t like stay in this mood. Most of the time I talk with my self and try to be clam and relax but, I can not control this sick mind! I’m facing a lot of pressure and each time I criticize my self about many unworthy things. I like come straight from the shoulders and be honest with my self. And funny point is I try to show off that I’m very happy! And show unreal smile. I wish I could yell any my stressful feeling and anxiety at the top of my lungs. I’m worried about a many things me, he future all people around us

This moment I’m worried about my family and specially mom, I think these days she needs some body that stay beside her and just do what ever she likes, some times I have guilty feeling that I’m not there, with her. I think some times she needs share her feeling talk about her condition. After my father, her moods and feeling change very clearly and every single day I recognize she is more fragile and touchy,

.

Yaghob Mehrnahad

Today it was a journalist day and was anniversary of the 102nd year’s conditional revolution “مشروطه انقلاب “ in Iran. and exactly in this day I hear the government executed one journalist for being danger for the national security and as a member of the terrorist group .actually I do not know what is the real fact but s far as I know, he was a journalist in Zhaden (south east of Iran) he was a redactor of one local newspaper in there. He was 1.5 in person and I hear security office threat their family no talk or inform media about his situation. And at the end after 1.5 year they hanged him. When once I read some news about his dead penalty at that time just wondering maybe some human right groups or some special journalist campaign will try to change his penalty or postpone it but when today I see this news I shocked. Actually I feel some miserable feeling about mine. Every day I hear many dead penalties for most of the cases and I imagine what a simple and cheap they can decide about the human sprit or life. As a piece of cake they decide cut the continuing the life of the people and their rightness of living.
What happen for me that I do not care about other’s life? Especially when I think if his guilt be just about writing in newspaper and criticise the government or be opponent. I can not still tolerate or accept what happen to our country? 102 years ago we had constitution and some professional journalism and some civilised campaign that could brought many update legislation to our country in that year’s .And now in the anniversary of those days this government executed one journalist for threaten national security with writing in newspaper! Damn on…

New legistlation

These days most of the blogs are written about the new family legislations. I can not believe that in 2008 or after more than 7000 years civilization in Iran again most of the governors and legislatures are thinking same as back to many years before. When I read some of the new items that they want add to constitution, just laugh, because it’s same as joke, just I wanted tear my hair out, believe me!

Especially item 23 is horrible! Or those items that reduce the penalty of the man who married with no official registration or law marriage about the Iranian women with foreign people .whenever I think about these topics just I'm wondering once these governors should face the music!!

I f you want know more about the women campaign you can refer to this link.

choosing to have fun,today,tomorrow,every other day

today I received this video.very great speech,
If you live properly,the dreams come to your life.
I suggest ,listen to this video,maybe is useful

I'm waiting

Just 10 days are remaining. Please help me! Wow, I can not be patient

ME

I should work hard. I should be a very good student. Most of the time I blame myself, I’m lazy .I’m angry at this time. I wanted to be good, hard worker, patient and strong person.

my father

Some days are in life that never forgot.
Every year when those dates are coming and come to reach to exactly that dates your heart beat goes upper and upper .some days remember many beautiful or nice memory about the special events and others just remember very painful and nightmare events that repeat an repeat every day in your mind. For me there are many unforgettable events in my heart calendar, some of them are the memoir of so sweet and nice events and others very very painful. Today is the anniversary of one of the most painful events in my life. Maybe the worst .up to now I don’t believe I could see and passed that black day. Every day I think about that day in the days after that catastrophe in my life. Since I think maybe is a long nightmare and one day I realise all these days are just awful nightmares. Until now me every day I think life is same as before and all things are same as usual up to now I don’t believe that I have not seen my father for 5 years. It is unbelievable maybe is a long nightmare, maybe. Until now I could not accept I saw and bear that dark day back to 5 years ago. Every time before this disaster I thought if this tragedy happens for one of my family I for sure kill my self because I can not bear without them. But see, 5 years passed and I did not kill myself life is continue I’m here and no killing and … but just think maybe these days without him are not real and I can see him again. I really miss him, really ,maybe no body can not understand what I say, but I miss you .you don’t come in my dreams during these 5 years I haven’t remember one night you come in my dream and just talk to me ,ooh I remember ..Just once or twice at this time I can not exactly say how many times but maybe one or two times, yes just one or two. Please come, maybe in my dream we can talk together and seat and share some deep feeling. I really want you hug me and hug me strongly and can feel some body are that can support me very strong .I really need talk to you. share many heavy feeling with you , specially when I’m here .believe me that I really need you pray for me and support me .I know that I have not a good child for you but I m sure you are the best father in the world .

Canada Day

Today is Canada day .

My Uni!

emamzadeh kooh

Days full of veracity and happiness

Again I found very very nice picture,

Me ,”Majid”,and our cousins.woowwwo .

In ,”emamzadeh kooh” very beautiful place in mountain foot, with very nice view ,cozy and full of positive enrgy.For me these pictures have many memory that fill all my background ,

Its back to more than 30 years ago… ,unbelievable

Just nice impressions

back to 20 years ago

Back to around 21 years ago………. Woo,

Today I received this image,

In my granny house with ‘Hedi’ and ‘Sanaz’-my friend- who I loose her more than 20 years. That day such a those days. Up to now I remember all detail of that beautiful day.

I can not believe more than 20 years gone from that memorable birthday.

Today

Long time-around two months- I have written nothing here, many subject are in my mind, but I don’t know, I was under the weather and not on the mood to write some things

-Today I accidentally found a beautiful weblog .Its belong to “Takhti grandchild” .is nice and interesting for me.

-Friday , should give report to my supervisor about my project progress .But up to now, nothing is ready .

-Today is very windy and rainy, imagine, today is June10^th and no news about summer!

-This week and next are very hectic weeks .I hope receive miracle next week. A miracle not for me, for all dears in my life.

-Mammy was in the hospital, again. .any way ,whenever think about 'Sedigh' just cry and regret .

Two days ago was a daddy birthday, Ohhhh dear I really miss you and need you be with me especially in these miserable days.

هدی

Very beautiful picture !
I like this picture very much. Alive, happy, full of energy,
Green leaves have point of spring and new life.
I like that, is a very good idea for photography .

سپاس

من شادم , سلامتم , خوشبختم , و آینده ... بهترین آینده در انتظار ماست . خدا ما رو دوست داره , زندگی همه چیز بر وفق مراده , من مطمءنم كه خدا درهر لحظه باما ومن
به خاطر همه چیز ممنونم به خاطر هر لحظه وهر ثانیه سپاسگزارم

نسرین

دیروز یه خبر شوك ور خوندم
نسرین رو به شش ماه حبس و ده ضربه شلا ق محكوم كردن, واقعا واسم باور نكردنیه
این حكم واسه اینكه توییاده روایستادی ومنتظرنتیجه دادگاه چد نفر دیگه هستی . اولش خنده ام گرفت بعد یهو اشك هام اومدن
ناصر بهم گفت اینكه چیز جدیدی نیست , تو چرا یه جوری برخورد می كنی انگار این اولین باره
نمیدونم ولی واسه من كه ا ز نزدیك این آدم رو می شناسم , باور نكردنیه.
من نمیدونم تعریف جرم توی این سرزمین داره عوض میشه , یاشایدهم عوض شده .
نمیدونم واقعا نمیدونم
دركل خیلی نگرانش شدم , امیدوارم همه چیزدرست بشه

امروز

امروز رفتیم دور كلی قدم زدیم با ناصر ودوتا از بچه های دیگه , هوا عالی این روزها. بارون میاد نم نم ,هوا گرم و بهاری, كلی احساس خوب به آدم دست می ده .
دیروزهم یه خورده قم زدیم ولی خیلی باد بود ولی امروز بیست
قدم زدن امروزكلی حالم روعوض كرد
دایی وهدی الان مشهد هستن زنگ زدم التماس دعاگفتم .
گفتم : یه حاجت خیلی بزرگ دارم
گفت : آخه این حاجتت باید پزرگیش یه جوری باشه كه من بتونم ببرمش توی حرم
گفتم شما ببرید ,شاید امام رضا اجازه داد بردید توی حرم

تولد علی

چند روز پیش یعنی شنبه تولد علی بود سال 78 به دنیا اومد. روز تولدش رو كاملا یادمه ,چون اونروزمن تهران نبودم! در واقع رفته بودم اردو با دانشگاه .اردوی جنوب .بگذریم حرفم در مورد علی بود, نه اردو.

آره این پسر خوشگله ما ,شنبه تولدش بود. علی موقعی كه كوچولوتر بود خیلی تپل بود, لپو!! وباچشمهای درشت .

همیشه به اون ونیما زیاد فكر میكنم. به آیندشون .

خیلی دلم میخواد كه هیچ كدوم از تجربه های تلخ گذشته ما رو باهاش روبرو نشن.

اوایل فكر می كردم كه باید این دو تا بچه رو از اونجا فراری داد وبیان این طرف. ولی حالا كه خودم اینجام, اینجا هم اون مدینه فاضله نیست كه دنبالش میگشتم

راستی این كلاه گیس قدیمی صدیق كه علی گذاشته

بیقرار

بیقرارم بیقرار به معنای واقعی
یه هیجان كاذب توی وجودمه ,هزار تا فكر توی سرم همزمان داره می چرخه
,دیشب خواب بابا رو دیدم ,خواب خوبی نبود. نمیخوام متنش روتعریف كنم ,چون ناراحت كننده است. ازطرفی هم به قول مامی خواب بد رونباید تعریفش كرد , فقط باید صدقه داد و دعاكرد .
مضطربم نه واسه خواب تنها, واسه همه چیز,
امروزروز آفتابی قشنگی, دیگه اینجا هم داره بهار میشه. مدتها بود توی آفیس آفتاب نتابیده بود كه امروز داره میتابه
شاید برم بیرون راه برم , پیاده روی شاید آروم شم

بار

یه بار بزرگ روی شونه هام سنگینی میكنه این بار رو هر لحظه هر ثانیه با خودم اینطرف و اونطرف می برم
یه باری كه تا میام كه احساس راحتی كنم یهو سنگینیش رو یادآوری میكنه بهم . تا میام كه خوشحال باشم و لبخند بزن و بخنددم یه هو خودش رو بهم یادوری میكنه. فقط یه نفر میتونه این بارروازدوش من برداره
خدایااین لطف روبكن

امتحان هام تموم شد

بالاخره تموم شد, امتحان هام رو میگم, یه حس خوبیه روزی كه امتحان ها تمو م میشن. در واقع روزآخر, انگار آدم سبك میشه.

ناصر طفلك پا به پای من اومد تو این روزها, كلی بهم كمك كرد. خیلی زیاد, ومن كلی شرمنده اش هستم

ولی تموم شد

!! امروز كه برگشتم خونه تقریبا قیافه خونه روكه دیدم وحشت كردم . سگ و گربه باهم میرقصیدن

از مرتب كردن كتابهاوجزوه ها بعد امتحان و گرفتن یه دوش آب گرم و تمیز كردن اتاق و و یه خواب راحت و بعدش بلند شدن و خوردن چای تازه دم و چك كردن ایمیل ها بعد ازتموم شدن امتحانها كلی لذت می برم

امتحان

اینجا الان ساعت حدود ده شب, توی كتابخونه هستم .

شنبه امتحان دارم چهارشنبه هم یكی دیگه.

.جای خوبی واسه درس خوندنه و واسه من كه چند سالی بود كه توكتابخونه درس نخونده بودم یادآور كلی خاطرات قدیمی درشت و ریز اون شب ها كه تا صبح با مریم توی كتاب خونه فرهنگسرای اندیشه می موندیم و مجید غذای دو سه روز رو واسم میخرید و من رو میذاشت دم كتابخونه.

و ما دونفر فكركنم جزو معدود مشتری های شب سالن مطالعه اش بودیم چه روزهایی بود تازه فرهنگسرابازشده بود وخلوت

بهتره برم كلی درس نخونده دارم

امروز

امروزعصبانی ام شدید

ازهمه چی

خودم , "نون " ,"جی " ,درس ها ,آدمیتم , نوع بودنم

ازهمه چی

روزی

چقدر شعر قشنگیه

هربار یادم میاد این شعر رو, بلند بلند زمزه اش میكنم.

این شعر رو باید با صدای بلند خوند

در ضمن وقتی این شعر رو میخونم یاد " شهره "میافتم

روزي ما دوباره کبوترهايمان را پيدا خواهيم کرد

و مهرباني دست زيبائي را خواهد گرفت

.

روزي که کم‌ترين سرود

بوسه است

و هر انسان

براي هر انسان

برادري‌ست

.

روزي که ديگر درهاي خانه‌شان را نمي‌بندند‌

قفل افسانه‌ئي‌ست

و قلب

براي زنده‌گي بس است

.

روزي که معناي هر سخن دوست ‌داشتن است

تا تو به خاطر آخرين حرف دنبال سخن نگردي

.
روزي که آهنگ هر حرف، زنده‌گي‌ست

تا من به خاطر آخرين شعر، رنج جست‌وجوي قافيه نبرم

.
روزي که هر لب ترانه‌ئي‌ست تا کم‌ترين سرود، بوسه باشد

.
روزي که تو بيائي،

براي هميشه بيائي و مهرباني با زيبائي يک‌سان شود.

روزي که ما دوباره براي کبوترهاي‌مان دانه بريزيم

و من آن روز را انتظار مي‌کشم

حتا روزي که ديگرنباشم

.
(شعر افق روشن از كتاب هواي تازه- احمد شاملو) ...

آبی

می بینی چقدر با عظمت ,عشق میكنم وقتی این عكس ها رو میبینم. به نظر من كه فوق العاده ست .این رنگ آبی ش آدم رودیونه میكنه و این آسمونش قشنگ میشه باهاش یه دل سیر نجوا كرد از اون نجواهایی كه یهو یه جاهایش اون وسط اش میتونه تبدیل به اشك همراه سكوت و.... بشه. از اون مدل ها یی كه قشنگ بعد ا ز درددل و یه دل سیر حرف زدن , دلت سبك میشه

خواب

.دیشب یه خواب بد دیدم ازوقتی اومدیم اینجا شبی نبوده كه خواب ندیده باشم .جالبه نه .واسه خودم خیلی جالبه خواب آدمهایی كه شاید سالی یكبارهم بهشون فكرنمیكردم ,نمیدونم ,ولی جالبه

امروزعكس های صدیق اینهارو كه واسه عید گرفته بودند ,مجید واسم ایمیل كرد ومن به جای اینكه خوشحال بشم كلی حالم گرفته شد. چقدرتوی این مدت كوتاه كه ندیدمش صورتش لاغرشده , یه جورای خیلی تكیده شده و وقتی

به" نون" گفتم مثل همیشه بهم خندید و......بگذریم.

امروزبازهم داره برف میاد. فعلا اینجا خبری ازبهارنیست. ومن هم كه حال وروزم.... فعلا پرازاسترسم ,فردا با استادم جلسه دارم .

خوش به حال "جی" كه همواره درحال فیلم دیدن وهمش میخنده

هذیان

چقدردلم گرفته بیشترازاونی كه میشه فكرش روبكنی

امروزبرف شدیدی داره میاد.ازصبح

ازصبح یه ابرهای خیلی تیره تواآسمون بودن طوری كه هوانیمه تاریك بود بعدش هم كه شروع كرد باریدن

بعضی ازاآدم های اطراف اعصاب من رو به هم میریزن دروافع یه جورایی رواعصابم ان

به آینده فكرمیكنم خیلی میترسم

.پرازآرزو ام. پرازترس, پرازامید به شنیده شدن ودیده شدن

خدایا رحم كن

courses

My courses are very difficult and I’m a very lazy, maybe insane or …Next 15 days I 'll have final exams . .... I'm very crazy!!!

at this moment just I can say this...

Norooz

without any comments!

Haft Sin

This is our First Little "Haft Sin" in a very far spot from our neighbourhoods,
These days I try to make a “Norooz” atmosphere in our home,
I have very complicated feeling these days
, but it is ok!!! This is a new form of living and I follow it!!

Pleading

I miss all pure things, I miss one thing, actually I lost it, please come back, I really need you and your merciful looking

Me

I don’t know how I should explain my deep feeling when I can not finds any good English words for talking. I have to write English because I don’t have Persian keyboard
It is funny.believe me
Yes I know it is very funny so same as a dumb person, Just I want to say but …. And equally just I can say some surface subject which is waste of time.

women day

Today is 8th of the March, international women day
This title, May be for the women of each country has special meaning just for them not other areas .For me as a all other women of my country, today is a memoir of many subject.
Do you know what?
Freedom, fighting against discrimination, get a right for being as a human ,not more ,get a basic right for true living in a justice shadow,
I proud about all women in my country who dedicate their life and properties for this unequal conflicts and hope one day all of us see the blossom of freedom in our country.
I put this link here,just for remebrance of some common issue in my baned territory.

Trust

Today I talked, with a person.
That person told me:
Trust the God.
If you trust to God, after that ,God gives you the best things.
After the talking, up to now, just I think do I ever trust the God?
What is the meaning of this sentence?
And in whole of my life, how many times I trust the God?
I have many wishes and dreams, and is a very difficult, if just I close my eyes and don’t see my dreams bag and just trust the God.
This idea has a very beautiful view and very ideal, but when I come closer, found it very hard. Maybe each person who has a great ”Iman” can follow this and doesn’t insist about his/her dreams, just trust.

Nima-Ali

I miss all of them.
Oh was a great time when these two angel kissed me . Maybe no body believed me, but I love both of them.
Each time , when I remember them, Just pray to God and hope their future will be good and best.
I miss them, I miss all of my beautiful memory and...
Here, these days I think about my self and my past years, I feel I’m very alone person without any friends and supporter.